Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Octatonic Fever

Lately, I have been listening to Third Eye Blind non-stop.  Inside the music of Third Eye Blind, I get this desire to create--a seemingly interminable desire, to mold the licks and melodies that are catchy and that jab you in all the right places at all the right times.  Not an incredibly celebrated group of composers in the world of fine arts...but that's how I get when I listen.

The last line of "The Road Home" is getting me reeling: "There is no such beauty as where you belong."  Where the hell do I belong?  How I wish and wish and wish that life were just sitting in bed listening to Eric Whitacre and singing in University Singers and talking to Dr. Crabb.  How can I be a journalist when there is such a thing as music?  This is what I think sometimes.

But how can there be just music when there is such a thing as reality.  And really, if I were to do music all my life, what could I do?  Join an opera thing.  Conduct a choir--but I wouldn't want to conduct high school because high school kids don't give a shit, and I wouldn't want to conduct elementary school because they could never be good and I could never go into the depth I wanted to.  I could perform...but how?  Where?  For whom?  If University Singers was hiring sopranos right now for 30,000 a year with benefits, I would so apply.

But there are other levels: there is the service level, the writing level, the business level.  There are so many levels of my own aspirations and my own expectations that I don't even know where to start.  I am afraid not only that it will be too late to start over but that I will be too tired or okay with just settling.  

How do you even know when you've settled?  With anything?  How do you know when something is the best you're going to get?  And should we even settle for the best we are going to get?  

I mean, really, is the principle of being human striving for the impossible or indulging and developing into what you are?

My thoughts are going in circles.  I know I have thought about this before.  Re-reading my own postulations makes me start to think I am the type of person who never goes far enough into finding the answers to her questions.  I think I just enjoy asking them and thinking about them.  But this is discouraging and makes me fear that I am like this in all endeavors--socially, religiously, academically.  

Despite the cloudy vibe of this blog, I actually had a great day.  I will miss Omaha this summer.

Do re mi,


Candace said...

i don't there are always answers. i mean, maybe there are answers for the earth, but they can't apply to every individual anyway. so maybe just decide that everything is what you want it to be and live like that. that sounds good.

Jason G said...

i don't think it's ever too late. or that you can't make a living doing music. these are things i struggle with too, but i think (notice my certainty) that as long as you have a passion for it, and you have a don't-give-up attitude then you can do anything. do what you love, and the rest will follow.

and definately take as much away from college as possible. you never know when that class you took on the physics of frisbee may come in handy.

Chelle said...

join the peace corps and find an avenue for your music there. it's only 27 months, but you'll probably get more out of it that you even want.

Jason G said...

kaitlyn is just a name I used.
not relation. notice the y?

i'll let you know if i write something about you.

Kimberly said...

You are b e a u tiful and I, among millions of others, am in LOVE with your voice! I'm glad we are roomies and that we have become bffs. :) CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU!!!!!!!!! be safe driving back from Homaha!

Stuart Peterson said...

Just take pictures of wine glasses for the rest of your life. I have never wanted fermented grapes more.

Candace said...

okay. it's a big deal for me to be doing just because i feel like it's a cool and necessary step for me to take to grow up and face change and my list. but afterward it won't matter. i just wont have any hair. and it shouldn't be a big deal. it shouldn't really matter to other people. like that. like it isn't going to be this gigantic thing that prevents me from being feminine.

breezylucia said...

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