There is a tree across the way at the summer home. It’s a forlorn creature that looks as if all its hands have been cut off. But the wounds dried up long ago—but not in a healthy way, the round patches parched and no longer struggling. A few twigs dangle off the limbs, the sullen, brown leaves are tufts of mangy hair on the old man who rides his bicycle up and down the street all day. They do resemble each other, the old man and the tree. Perhaps it is the reason they pass each other, the man with his methodical pedaling and the tree with its slow, stooped hunch to arid death. The man would like to see a being like himself, lurking through time with him, watching the molasses hours with him. When the old man stops his visits I will be convinced the tree is dead.
Friday, June 6, 2008
This is coming to you live from the porch of 1317 Anthony St. It's early morning and rainy, a cat cuddling kind of morning much apparent to Tigger who is snuggled like a puzzle piece next to my blanketed leg. What life has sparked from this porch and this house in the elementary steps of summer!--a brilliant kind of poetry and meaning festering in the corners of my mind, the house, Columbia itself. I can't help but think that everyone is feeling this.
Even though only a few of my goals have been attempted, I feel no shame or disgust at the lack of commitment I so often have and am now having to goals. I think goals in general are a way for me to get my butt moving, in an all-around way, or maybe to attack something specific for a while and then feel accomplished, but they aren't really a means to get themselves accomplished. Kind of like the 10 Commandments.
This time that I have now-a-week is beautiful. Even the stresses living on my own presents--ants, cockroaches, preparing more than one food item at a time--these things are fun. They fulfill "living on my own"; those are the things I was excited about because it would serve as "see? I really AM independent!" Of course I am not completely. But in all forms, I will never be.
Even these stresses...last night I had a dream that I was in the supermarket with Amanda and she pointed out some bagels--packs of three. And I was so upset, "packs of three?!" I cried, I was so worried when in real life I had bought a pack of six bagels, the smallest I could find, worried they would go to waste and I would waste money on them. And here there was a pack of three, three bagels, all along. How infuriating! This was all in my dream, but I believe dreams reveal things, affirm things. More reassurance that I am worried about running out of money for food. Money worries me in a masked kind of way, in a way that I spend it fervently but grow increasingly panicked in spurts during the week, very uneven.
Candace is here for a week--a week which is almost up, sadly. I have placed on her the crown of inspiration to me and she never ceases to polish it on top of her now lushly stubbled head. I am proud of you Candace!
I have decided that, for me, crushing is like sneezing: it pops up all of a sudden, builds to an intense climax, and resolves leaving me feeling refreshed and accomplished. Although I never
say "excuse me" for crushing.
Floating on the breeze,