The semester's been full of "issues." Discovering God for real, re-attaching to my Catholic heritage, getting through a break up, finding a job, making plans for the summer, making an amazing friend Breezy, and struggling toward my real vocation.
The most monumental thing for me has been--and is continuing to be--deciding whether or not to major in music. Even just typing about it now I tear up--something undefinable about how all my emotions are so tangled up in this one thing, this universal message, this movement of the larynx and vocal folds that enables my one true love: singing--that just makes me cry. All this semester it's been a battle--The Practicalities Of Life vs. The Passions Of The Heart.
It wasn't even like I "found" this overbearing love for music inside of me. It's like...the beginning of this semester, it just casually was there in front of my face, an obvious thing that seemed was always present in my vision. I mean, it wasn't even a surprise to me that it was there or recognizable all of a sudden--there was no sudden. More of a milk in the fridge type presence. Delicious milk of Soul Seekers.
What was the surprise for me was realizing that I could just do music. As dangerous as it sounds to me, as nervous as it makes me---or should make me...really, all I feel when I think about doing music is the overwhelming urge to cry with relief, the relief that I will be doing something I for sure love that isn't a mediocre replacement that I have to work to love.
I have set aside the summer to decide.
All I want is peace: peace with being Catholic, peace with Keith, peace with my job, and most of all, peace with my highest inner desires for ever-present music. Peace with my own will.